Isn't it wierd
The nights you need sleep the most, it eludes you.
I worked a closing shift tonight at the restaurant. Four pm to midnight. Didn't get home till 12:30, and now it's 2 am. And I can't sleep. Mind is too busy. So I thought maybe I'll write some of it down so I can get some sleep before I get up at 5:10 to head off to work again. (that's 3 hours from now)
Things have changed a lot for me down here recently. It's taken a year, but I'm finally starting to feel comfortable around here. Like if I had to live here for the rest of my life, I could manage. It wouldn't be great, but it would be manageable.
Work is going well. I'm finally getting the hang of this restaurant working at nights. Mostly thanks to the efforts and ass kickings from Chef Tim. To whom I am quite grateful. I'm enjoying my job a little more. I still don't quite have the passion for it that I had back in highschool and culinary school. But I'm regaining that. We have a new Sous Chef in the hotel. Charles. He's here to shake things up I guess. And he's starting by targeting all the new interns for improvement.
This is not to say that Mikey was a bad chef or a bad manager. He was great at both things. But at times it felt like Mikey was keeping us at a professional arms distance. Emotionally detaching himself just in case he had to make a decision that would affect either his job or our job. But I guess managers have to be the bad guy sometimes.
Personally, while it is much more difficult to do, I've found that it's much more effective to employees who want to earn your respect. Rather than employees who want to avoid your wrath.
My relationships with people here are changing as well. I've been spending a lot more time "with the guys" than I ever did before. Before, many of the people I would call close friends were female. Now, they're mostly male. One or two once strong relationships have now fizzled, only to be replaced with stronger ones from pre-existing relationships. But the thing that's keeping me up all night tonight, is the fact that if I or said second parties made an effort, things could be fixed. But would it be for the better?
No man is ever so rich in friends, that he needs enemies.
For the past 5 or 6 years of my life, it's been my priority to please everybody. No request or need was too big that I couldn't sacrifice some of myself to fill it. While I am human and have made mistakes, it's been a sincere effort. If not entirely a successful one.
You could say that fate/god/the universe is somehow trying to teach me that this is not possible, or it's not healthy. That to try is to invite failure and pain. Pain that will eventually break me.
Bring it on.
One of the strongest themes it seemed throughout my childhood was, to be perfectly honest, the sermons of our favorite human pastor. Scott Williams. The things that always stuck out to me were when he spoke of how human beings build walls around themselves to protect them from pain and hurt. But in turn, they keep out love, compassion, and grace. Going through life, trying to be an Island. Alone and self sufficient. Whether this is true or not is up to you. I've found it to be true. So I've tried not to build walls. I've tried to trust people without expectations of failure. I've tried to be compassionate. To accept others for who and what they are. To find the best in them, and enjoy it. To emphasize the good, and discourage the bad. I've tried in every decision I make to put the good of other people first. Damn the pain that comes with it, I'll endure that as penance, and just use it as motivation to try harder the next time.
Am I successful? I don't believe so. The failures stick out more to me than the successes. I find myself lacking in many things I do. Theres always that room for improvement, that little bit extra that could have been done. But didn't get done, because of my laziness or my insecurities or my inabilities or even my ignorance. There are always going to be the sleepless nights where I look back on my actions and wonder where I went wrong and what I could have done better. What can I fix, and what is broken beyond repair.
I don't like having these broken relationships hanging over me. Whether it's better this way or not. But I don't think I can fix them. Not on my own. It takes two to Tango. And I can't dance.
Well, I'm getting that familiar burning of the eyes that tells me I've been staring at a white screen in a black room for too long. Maybe sleep will come easier now that some of my thoughts have been unburdened. Or maybe I've just started a chain reaction of interior soliloquy that will carry me on through to the next day.
Also, isn't it weird how when you try to sleep, you can't. But if I had gone downstairs and watched tv all through the night till the next morning. I would've been out like a light in 15 minutes.
Sleep is over rated. If I had one wish. I would wish to never require rest.
I worked a closing shift tonight at the restaurant. Four pm to midnight. Didn't get home till 12:30, and now it's 2 am. And I can't sleep. Mind is too busy. So I thought maybe I'll write some of it down so I can get some sleep before I get up at 5:10 to head off to work again. (that's 3 hours from now)
Things have changed a lot for me down here recently. It's taken a year, but I'm finally starting to feel comfortable around here. Like if I had to live here for the rest of my life, I could manage. It wouldn't be great, but it would be manageable.
Work is going well. I'm finally getting the hang of this restaurant working at nights. Mostly thanks to the efforts and ass kickings from Chef Tim. To whom I am quite grateful. I'm enjoying my job a little more. I still don't quite have the passion for it that I had back in highschool and culinary school. But I'm regaining that. We have a new Sous Chef in the hotel. Charles. He's here to shake things up I guess. And he's starting by targeting all the new interns for improvement.
This is not to say that Mikey was a bad chef or a bad manager. He was great at both things. But at times it felt like Mikey was keeping us at a professional arms distance. Emotionally detaching himself just in case he had to make a decision that would affect either his job or our job. But I guess managers have to be the bad guy sometimes.
Personally, while it is much more difficult to do, I've found that it's much more effective to employees who want to earn your respect. Rather than employees who want to avoid your wrath.
My relationships with people here are changing as well. I've been spending a lot more time "with the guys" than I ever did before. Before, many of the people I would call close friends were female. Now, they're mostly male. One or two once strong relationships have now fizzled, only to be replaced with stronger ones from pre-existing relationships. But the thing that's keeping me up all night tonight, is the fact that if I or said second parties made an effort, things could be fixed. But would it be for the better?
No man is ever so rich in friends, that he needs enemies.
For the past 5 or 6 years of my life, it's been my priority to please everybody. No request or need was too big that I couldn't sacrifice some of myself to fill it. While I am human and have made mistakes, it's been a sincere effort. If not entirely a successful one.
You could say that fate/god/the universe is somehow trying to teach me that this is not possible, or it's not healthy. That to try is to invite failure and pain. Pain that will eventually break me.
Bring it on.
One of the strongest themes it seemed throughout my childhood was, to be perfectly honest, the sermons of our favorite human pastor. Scott Williams. The things that always stuck out to me were when he spoke of how human beings build walls around themselves to protect them from pain and hurt. But in turn, they keep out love, compassion, and grace. Going through life, trying to be an Island. Alone and self sufficient. Whether this is true or not is up to you. I've found it to be true. So I've tried not to build walls. I've tried to trust people without expectations of failure. I've tried to be compassionate. To accept others for who and what they are. To find the best in them, and enjoy it. To emphasize the good, and discourage the bad. I've tried in every decision I make to put the good of other people first. Damn the pain that comes with it, I'll endure that as penance, and just use it as motivation to try harder the next time.
Am I successful? I don't believe so. The failures stick out more to me than the successes. I find myself lacking in many things I do. Theres always that room for improvement, that little bit extra that could have been done. But didn't get done, because of my laziness or my insecurities or my inabilities or even my ignorance. There are always going to be the sleepless nights where I look back on my actions and wonder where I went wrong and what I could have done better. What can I fix, and what is broken beyond repair.
I don't like having these broken relationships hanging over me. Whether it's better this way or not. But I don't think I can fix them. Not on my own. It takes two to Tango. And I can't dance.
Well, I'm getting that familiar burning of the eyes that tells me I've been staring at a white screen in a black room for too long. Maybe sleep will come easier now that some of my thoughts have been unburdened. Or maybe I've just started a chain reaction of interior soliloquy that will carry me on through to the next day.
Also, isn't it weird how when you try to sleep, you can't. But if I had gone downstairs and watched tv all through the night till the next morning. I would've been out like a light in 15 minutes.
Sleep is over rated. If I had one wish. I would wish to never require rest.
posted by ThePassionateChef at 1:09 AM
2 Comments:
What's weird is seeing how much my son is like me. sigh, and sometimes that doesn't work in your favor! I don't know if we will ever get it right (relationships) while this side of heaven but I do know that it is important to keep trying. Worldly wisdom says 'walk away', God's love says 'give anyway'. love you Josh, mom.
your mom says good things here. So do you. I am a lot like you too. I liked my wall and you know what the funny thing is? It wasn't until I read what you wrote about the wall keeping love out that it hit home for me.
You are an amazing young man and I am going to go out on a limb here and say being like your mom, even though she sighs, is a good thing. I have seen her fight for friendships. Seen her struggle and hurt. I have also seen her drive. Her compassion, truth and understanding. YOu being like your mom is not a bad thing. It does take two to tango. That is true. But you can keep praying. It is hard that GOd says "give anyway" like your mom says. ouch. Me defense was stomping my feet saying but I don't wanna.
I think I am trailing here....but what I am trying to say is that I am more then glad to call you friend. I am gonna venture and say I hurt when you do cause I care for you and it is because of who you are and how sincere and honest you are that makes it all worth it for me to understand you more. Some people just need their own time to come around.
JOSH..........LOVE YA..........BIG HUGS
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