Holy crap I remembered my password

w00t! No longer am I locked out of my own blogger account.

I've volunteered to be a Youth Leader now

And I feel so out of the loop. Today we were making a list of the kids who might come on our big kickoff trip. And all the other leaders could name like 10 kids each. Right off the top of their heads. I sat there....mute. It was all I could do just to remember the list of names, let alone try and put faces to them. I felt so insignificant kinda.

I'm really worried about how much of an impact I'll be able to have on this Youth. I see people like Nathan, Kim, Beau, Mitch, and Meredith; these people just blow me away with the passion I see in them.

I have a pretty good idea what my gifts are in this world. I'm not a natural leader like Nate is. I don't have this deep spiritual relationship with God like Kim. I couldn't even hope to ever have as much love and joy in my heart as Beau does, his body matches his heart. I don't even think I'm fit to be compared to these people whom I have so much respect for. No, those aren't my areas of specialty. Even the things other people probably think I'm good at, I don't think I'm very good at. It's rare for me to be satisfied with something I've done. There's always a way I could have done it better, faster, easier. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night, scenarios of missed opportunities playing over and over again in my head. Things I've done wrong, or just not done at all. They haunt me, specters I can't shake.

I can easily see myself falling into the role of the guy who works behind the scenes. Coasting through, being helpful, but not having any real impact on anybody. I don't want to be that guy.

I measure my success by how many people would attend my funeral if I died tomorrow.
I try to make sure that number grows every year. It’s a theoretical number... But it’s the best measurement I can think of.
-Unknown

One of the best articles I've ever read.

The Best Article I've Ever Read

Jobs, Cars, and Money

My life has seemed to revolve around these three things lately. I can't escape them. Not that I necessarily want to. I just couldn't if I wanted to.

The Job

I was recently asked by someone I respect and love very much, if I would work for them in opening a restaurant they had just taken over. At first, it was just as a support position in the kitchen. Then, when their first option backed out. They asked me to be the Head Chef. At first, I was excited and reluctant. I've never been in charge before. I've always had someone far more experienced looking over my shoulder. I wouldn't necessarily rely on this person, but they were there to catch me before I slipped and fell over the edge. I was excited because I finally WOULD be in charge. It would be my food going out to the customer. My kitchen to organize and maintain, my name going up in flames or down in history depending on my performance. I'm going to be able to do what I want and expect from myself. Not what another expects. Good or bad. I'd be in control.

I spent a lot of time in the kitchen, working for another persons standards first, mine second. Sometimes that meant I had to compromise. Produce food that in one way shape or form, was not my food. (Not often, I was lucky to work with very skilled people) But every once in a while. It just wouldn't be something I was proud of. Now, it's all me, if I'm not proud of it. I don't serve it.

The Car

I recently purchased a 1984 Chevrolet Cavalier Type 10. A beautiful older car. Not one you see very often out on the roads, and never in the condition this one was. When I bought it, it ran fine, it needed a few tinkerings, but driveable. When I brought it home, I was forced to let it sit for a couple weeks before I could afford insurance. I tried to take care of it as it sat, running it every once in a while, checking fluids, even washing it once (something I've never done with my own car)

The first day I have it insured and am driving it. It dies, 10 minutes from my house. So we get it towed home, and find out it needs a new fuel pump. Ok, not a huge deal, 100$....tops. Go to Lordco and they tell us to put in this new pump. We do, only to find out once it's in that it's not the right kind of pump. It's putting out twice the fuel pressure I need. So we go back, get that all resolved and finally put in the right fuel pump. With tons of help from a good friend, Phil.

So I take it for another test drive. 5 minutes from my house, it stalls. I manage to get it started again, but every time I let it idle, it stalls. So we get it home and Phil takes a look. That last fuel pump has damaged the carburetor. There is a slow leak of fuel into it that the engine can't handle when it idles. So the engine floods. It's not ideal. I can still drive it, just can't let it idle at lights and such. Not a big problem. Just annoying. After a couple of days of driving I notice that the front right is clunking.

So we put the car up on blocks AGAIN, take a look underneath, and notice that the drivers side front CV joint boot is all torn up, and dirt and crud is piling up in my CV joint. Now my car needs a new CV joint. That's another 120$ So while we have it up on blocks, Phil decides he's going to rebuild the carburetor. Takes it out, takes a look. Phil says to me " Your carburetor is fubared." It's worn out in places it shouldn't be worn out. I need to replace it. So now my car has no carburetor...at all. A rebuilt one from Lordco is 500$. That's a little steep, so Phil looks around, says he can get me one for about 350$.

Now lets track how much I've spent on this car so far.
Bought it
1400$
Various licenses.
127$
3 months insurance
450$
New Fuel pump
112$
New CV Joint
127$
New radiator (not necessary, but an upgrade)
47$
and now, I need a new (rebuilt) carburetor
300$ (at least)

Add that all up. You get about 2500$

I'll 2500$ on a car that I've driven for total...about a week.

Money

After Culinary school, I was about 5000$ in debt, all things considered. While I was in the states, I kinda saved my money, didn't do much. It was difficult to pay debts all the way across the continent. I made minimum payments. But in the meantime. I saved.

When I got home, I bought the car, bought my parents a new T.V. Then kinda just hung out a bit for a while. Trying to make a decision on whether or not I still wanted to pursue a career in cooking. Then the phone calls started. Mostly my one credit card. It's my own fault. I should've stayed on top of it. They've demanded the entire balance now. It's paid off. But that brings me back down to pocket change to spend. Guess I won't be able to get that carburetor for a bit, even if we can find one.

Other
I've decided I don't like sitting around the house on my computer all the time. I'm trying to find things that can eat up that spare time I've got now. I'm gonna try working out on a regular basis now. If that doesn't work out, I'll try Judo with James, my brother. Either way, that'll kill some time as well as getting me in better shape.

I've also volunteered to be a Youth Leader for my church. Although I'm not doing that to kill time. I really want to help them out. I could've started earlier, but I made the mistake of putting my career first. Now I won't have to make that decision. I have an employer who is going to understand that commitment, and work with me to make sure all parties involved are happy.

I'm really looking forward to this new job. I just wish I could get into the kitchen sooner. I don't like being excessively rushed. I like having time to prepare things. But such is the nature of the beast. I'll do my best. If this restaurant does go down (and theres a good chance it will, odds are against all restaurant openings) It won't be because I didn't do the best I could.

I'm lost now

Ever since the beginning of my senior year in highschool, I've known exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I wanted to be a chef, I wanted to be a really good chef and travel the world, seeing new things and meeting people. Ever since then I've chased after that goal with everything I have.

The last 6 weeks has changed all that. I no longer know what my goals in life are, whether I should be working, or relaxing, or even if I should be here at home.


For some reason, my boss at the Hyatt in Chesapeake Bay decided he didn't like me, or that I wasn't fit for the position I was in. He set out to find any and every excuse he could to see that I was disciplined for each and every minor infraction I incurred. And there were some. I'm not going to say I'm a perfect employee, I often bite off more than I can chew, and miss details that shouldn't be missed. But it was only from a deep-rooted fear of being normal that chased me to reach for those things I couldn't reach.

The chef got what he wanted, I made mistakes, he punished me for them, to the maximum extent he could. And I lost my job. Whatever his motives and methods, whether they were iron-fisted or not, it still lost me my job. At first, I attempted to look around for a new place to work under the conditions of my work visa, all I needed was someone willing to sponsor me for the remainder of my 18 months. (about 5 months by then)

I was fired Thursday, I found out monday night that a close friend of mine, Tasha Barry. Had died. She was hit by a train while trying to take a photograph. Pronounced brain dead, kept alive for 2 days in hope they could harvest her organs, then allowed to pass on Monday.

At that point, I gave up, I wrapped up what loose ends I could in Maryland. Said goodbye to the friends I had made, and came home.

So now, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to return to the business that ate up a year of my life, and kept me from the people (person)that I truly care about. Then tossed me out when it had decided I wasn't the right sort of person for it. I don't want to sit at home all my life, freeloading off of my parents and being a drain. I don't want to work at a meaningless job I don't care about for pennies. I certainly don't want to work for a big corporation that sees me more as a figure on a piece of paper than as a person.

So what do I do?

I miss her, I miss her every single day.

A lot has happened lately

but I'm not ready to reflect on it just yet. It's too painful, give me some time.

Rest in Peace Tasha

Have you ever met somebody who had the ability to make everyone they met fall completely in love with them? I have, her name was Tasha. She was, and always will be, the most genuine and wise soul I have ever known. Everybody who came in contact with her stepped away with a smile on their face and a joy in their souls they had never known before. You may think I exaggerate, but I worry my words are not strong enough to convince you.

Although I knew Tasha for only a relatively short time. For a piece of that time, I had the extreme privilege of being as important to her, as she was to everyone who knew her. That is something I will never forget. Whether or not I was, or ever will be, worthy of that....I don't know. I don't think I was. Tasha may have thought so, but that's part of what made her so amazing.

To Tasha, every person, every moment, was precious and worthy of all her energies and love. I cannot think of a better example of someone who put their heart and soul and love into everything they did, than Tasha.

It's not right, it's not fair. Nobody deserves this, least of all her. I wouldn't be alone in saying that were I given the choice of her life or mine....hers would take precedence.

The world has lost something it already had far too little of.