What to do...........
Somehow, somewhere. I've lost my passion.
Cooking is no longer fun for me. It's a chore, a thing to be avoided, and the one thing I feared most.
A job.
I never thought I would say this, but I don't want to be a chef anymore.
I don't know how it happened, or when. Was I infected with the lethargy of those around me? Did I stop being challenged at some point? Is it because I'm not surrounded by things familiar? Or was I just never meant to be a cook? Was the past 4 years of my life a phase, a passing interest, a hobby I thought I could do for a living? Can I blame it on a guilty streak for my years of inactivity as a teenager? Along came something I enjoyed and thought I did well, so I threw myself into it with all I had.
I don't know the answers anymore. The things I once valued have changed. The things I never really cared for are becoming important. My goals are changing almost daily, and I struggle daily with wondering why....why me? Why do this? Why did they do that? Why keep doing it? What's the point......
I don't like who I've become lately. Short-tempered, isolated, and whiny as all hell (see entire journal post)
The only things keeping me from leaving so far have been the fact that I'd have to pay 800$ for cancelling my internship early. And a terrifying urge not to be the first to break. I'm certain if one other in the same situation as I'm in caved, I'd be right behind them. Probably passing them once the race started.
I keep waiting for something to change. Something drastic. For a revelation. A great "aha" moment where I realize all my wrongdoings, and am able to correct them like turning on a light switch. I know such moments don't exist outside of Hollywood Cinema, but that doesn't stop me from hoping now does it?
I have no plans right now, other than to endure. To hope. To wait for that great "aha" moment.
Maybe these are the insomniatic ramblings of a depressed youth. Maybe all young cooks go through this when they realize that this career is not all free food and playing with cool knives. Perchance this mood will fade. The only "aha" moment when I realize what a baby I'm being. Maybe this is all just a manifestation of my seemingly never-ending loneliness.
I don't even quite know why I'm writing all this down here. There are other more private places I can write. Where I'm not so vulnerable. I'm sure someone with a less than stellar opinion of me will read this, as is bound to happen whenever I write something down, and use it against me. Is this a cry for attention, help, pity?
"Ask again later."
Even the magic 8 ball, oracle of chance and fate, mocks my pain!
Enough introspection and self pity for the night. Don't worry, I'll still have plenty of it left for tomorrow. Hopefully we'll be busy enough that I can drown my self in some work. Temporarily distract myself from the extreme letdown my life has become.
Cooking is no longer fun for me. It's a chore, a thing to be avoided, and the one thing I feared most.
A job.
I never thought I would say this, but I don't want to be a chef anymore.
I don't know how it happened, or when. Was I infected with the lethargy of those around me? Did I stop being challenged at some point? Is it because I'm not surrounded by things familiar? Or was I just never meant to be a cook? Was the past 4 years of my life a phase, a passing interest, a hobby I thought I could do for a living? Can I blame it on a guilty streak for my years of inactivity as a teenager? Along came something I enjoyed and thought I did well, so I threw myself into it with all I had.
I don't know the answers anymore. The things I once valued have changed. The things I never really cared for are becoming important. My goals are changing almost daily, and I struggle daily with wondering why....why me? Why do this? Why did they do that? Why keep doing it? What's the point......
I don't like who I've become lately. Short-tempered, isolated, and whiny as all hell (see entire journal post)
The only things keeping me from leaving so far have been the fact that I'd have to pay 800$ for cancelling my internship early. And a terrifying urge not to be the first to break. I'm certain if one other in the same situation as I'm in caved, I'd be right behind them. Probably passing them once the race started.
I keep waiting for something to change. Something drastic. For a revelation. A great "aha" moment where I realize all my wrongdoings, and am able to correct them like turning on a light switch. I know such moments don't exist outside of Hollywood Cinema, but that doesn't stop me from hoping now does it?
I have no plans right now, other than to endure. To hope. To wait for that great "aha" moment.
Maybe these are the insomniatic ramblings of a depressed youth. Maybe all young cooks go through this when they realize that this career is not all free food and playing with cool knives. Perchance this mood will fade. The only "aha" moment when I realize what a baby I'm being. Maybe this is all just a manifestation of my seemingly never-ending loneliness.
I don't even quite know why I'm writing all this down here. There are other more private places I can write. Where I'm not so vulnerable. I'm sure someone with a less than stellar opinion of me will read this, as is bound to happen whenever I write something down, and use it against me. Is this a cry for attention, help, pity?
"Ask again later."
Even the magic 8 ball, oracle of chance and fate, mocks my pain!
Enough introspection and self pity for the night. Don't worry, I'll still have plenty of it left for tomorrow. Hopefully we'll be busy enough that I can drown my self in some work. Temporarily distract myself from the extreme letdown my life has become.
posted by ThePassionateChef at 1:02 AM
3 Comments:
In January you really like making dinner for the family. Atleast I think you did. I think you enjoyed it because you did for people you loved; people who meant something to you; and not some ingrateful stranger who doesn't understand the dedication you put into it. Perhaps you dont want to cook for a career, maybe its one of those things you want to do just as a hobby, to do casually at your leisure. To know that you could cook a spectacular meal for your gf/wife/w/e, but you've done it for you and you've done it for them. Maybe you just hate the place. Reflect back, what first inspried you to cook? No matter what though, you haven't wasted the last several years of your life, you've experienced and learned. You may look at is a delay to something else that interests you - but then how would you have known and you could be second guessing yourself the rest of your life. Anyway, this comment is getting almost as long as your post... love you - hope you can get some things figured out. Don't lose who you are.
Oh hun....you life is NOT a let down. You love to Cook. You made the family an awesome dinner. I just am thinking that right at the place that you are working is not the ideal spot for you. But you are so close. Looking at it you are half way there. You can do this. You are strong. I am sorry that you are feelign this way. I think being so far from home and family and friends is playing a big role on it.
You do great work Josh. We are all proud of you. You have accomplished so much. More then I ever have. I would encourage you to try to make it until the end. You can do it. You will be home before you know it. I am going to be praying for you constantly. You definatly have a gift Josh. You may not see the passion but I see it. I am sure everyone else does too.
Could Satan be toying with you? It could be a spiritual battle you are facing. I wouldn't doubt it but you can get through it. Keep praying. (gee, I should take my own advice)
There is nothing to place a finger on and blame. I just think that you are home sick. You are so far away from home. I couldn't imagine doing what you did. I admire you that you had the guts and gusto to even go down there. You can do it Josh. We are all rooting for you. Just a step for what is to come.
Sending you TONS of HUGS AND LOVE. We all love you. I know you make me proud. I am sure your mom and dad and family are just over flowing with it as well. You are a good man Josh. You really are.
Josh I am sorry but I am gonna butt in....
Brendon, I don't know you and I may be saying the wrong thing but that is my protective nature. I just personally don't think swearing at Josh and calling him those words is needed. I am sorry if it was just joking around. I am sorry Josh if you realize it is a joke or whatever. But when I read it I read it as something hurtful. You know Brendon, even when joking those words can hurt. Sorry if I am reading it wrong but I just didn't think it was very nice to say. That is my two cents.
Sorry Josh if I am wrong......
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