A walk
So when I got home from work today, I didn't really feel like hanging around the house. I was restless. I thought about working out, but didn't feel like getting sweaty right after taking a shower. So, considering it was a cool fall night, I went for a walk. I went around the housing area I live in, out in the fields down the block. And along the main road here. I thought about what had changed in my life now that I had come here, and how it had affected me. I thought about the ways I had acted in the past, before my trip, and how I had acted since I came here. It used to be I was a fairly stable and collected person. It took a lot to ruffle my feathers. Now it seems that the slightest gust of wind sends my mental china cabinet through a window. I didn't know why I had changed, or when. But I have.
I thought about it some more, didn't come to a conclusion. Then I decided to pray on it. After a little while of sitting on an electrical box on the edge of a cornfield, it struck me that I have not been to church, or hung out with someone who had the same ideals as me ever since I've come down here. And the absence is starting to take it's effect.
I don't have that stability in my life anymore. Church grounded me, gave me resolve. Because I knew that come Sunday morning, I would again be surrounded by people who wanted me to succeed in my life. Who wanted me to have strong character and integrity. My successes were theres, and theres mine. It was a community of spiritual betterment. I don't have that here.
I've realized there are things inside of me that I don't ever want to let loose. Anger, Jealousy, Pettiness, Deceit. I can't control those things by myself. I need god in my life. I need that support, that rock in the hurricane. Without it, I'm all too exposed. I'm corruptible. And far weaker than I ever thought.
I thought about it some more, didn't come to a conclusion. Then I decided to pray on it. After a little while of sitting on an electrical box on the edge of a cornfield, it struck me that I have not been to church, or hung out with someone who had the same ideals as me ever since I've come down here. And the absence is starting to take it's effect.
I don't have that stability in my life anymore. Church grounded me, gave me resolve. Because I knew that come Sunday morning, I would again be surrounded by people who wanted me to succeed in my life. Who wanted me to have strong character and integrity. My successes were theres, and theres mine. It was a community of spiritual betterment. I don't have that here.
I've realized there are things inside of me that I don't ever want to let loose. Anger, Jealousy, Pettiness, Deceit. I can't control those things by myself. I need god in my life. I need that support, that rock in the hurricane. Without it, I'm all too exposed. I'm corruptible. And far weaker than I ever thought.
posted by ThePassionateChef at 7:54 PM
3 Comments:
It seems we have often been on separate ends of the planet, though we are living so close. Been thinking a lot lately, I know where you’re at. I see you have troubles with where you are here. I know you miss home. Can you believe me when I say that I truly understand exactly how you are feeling? It’s not just home; it’s not just being somewhere new physically, but also being somewhere new emotionally and mentally. My sister always told me that when she moved out everyone thought she turned into such a badass, but really it was a wrong accusation. She said that she had been released from the grasp of my over protective parents, and she had learned things about herself, her real self - Things that take separation and trial to understand. She said it was the hardest time of her life, but looking back, she’s glad it happened, even though her circumstances were shitty. I must say, I never really understood her. I always was totally positive nothing could change me and that I am the person I was at home, but now that I’m in her boots, there is this whole new experience for me. When I came down, I had trouble. It took me three months to be okay with where I’m at. The thing is, I started learning all these things about myself, some of which I didn’t like, most of which, actually. “I’m not this person, I don’t do that”, is what I’d think, but I am this person and I am doing that. This whole new door to myself has opened up and I am exploring it. It’s hard to be in this place and not have the support of your friends and family backing you up. (Because if you’re alone here, you actually are alone.) I too, like you am use to a tremendous support system, friend, family, youth group, youth pastor, Christian friends. A lot of this for me has been a faith topic. I find that I’m so far from God here, so distant and okay with it, such a contrast to my life back at home. Faith is just a huge thing for me, something I’m willing to fight for. Faith is so strong, so unforgiving, so built into each person, and nothing can diminish that, not inactivity, nothing. I often forget I was made beautiful and powerful in God’s eyes and that that is all that is true and all that is real, all else is illusion. I’m starting to learn that sometimes I need my world to be quiet, to be still and small so I can have the opportunity to look inside and see myself for what I am, and with no extra additives. What’s acceptable for me…I ask myself..other’s ask me…and what is not. This is the beginning, and that’s where I’m at. I don’t have any answers anymore, and it’s not about them anymore either. For me, does it matter... It’s okay not to know. Anything at all. Seriously have found myself looking at this picture, Cambridge…my life here, and not taking notice to the bigger picture, so much bigger. And it just gets bigger and bigger, to the point where I don’t even exsist anymore. Identity may be a hard thing to grasp, but God gave you each emotion you are experiencing, he gave them to you because without hate would you know love, and without hunger, being full would never quite feel so good. In the end, you may perhaps find that it’s not going to church, who you hang out with and what you’re doing when you sit around the house. It’s the impact that your faith makes. That one coworker, one in a thousand, in two thousand days who hears the right words at the right time from your mouth, it’s about God using you in the place your at to better yourself, and to better others. Weakness is a part of growing, without being weak, we wouldn’t know how powerful we could be, and how amazing god can be. That one day out of the 600 or so that you’re here…where you provide peace to an aquaintence by saying what you should, and what people rarely ever do.
" I need god in my life. I need that support, that rock in the hurricane. Without it, I'm all too exposed. I'm corruptible. And far weaker than I ever thought. "
That really struck me. You are an amazing young man Josh. I can learn from you believe it or not. You're like a brother to me. :)
Just think, God wants you where you are. Right? Or else you wouldn't be down there. It is frustrating that He took you so far from us but He has a reason. Maybe it is to teach others. You taught me in that simple statement. Maybe it is to reconize that longing for God.
I will be praying for you. I miss you so much. Take those walks. That can be your grounding time with the Father.
Amazing to me that you have put that two and two together. God is sure amazing and pleased with you.
Can't wait until you come back home for a bit!! LOVE YA MAN!!! HUGS
I miss you Josh. A ton. I can't wait till you get here to visit. We're gunna have to hang out if I can grab you from everyone for a few minutes :)
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